" My Esquire Photo Shoot," by Kristen Schaal

[size=100:sur01ocn]Last time I checked, I own the only pair of recurring tits on that show. Maybe Esquire assumed I'm too professional to pose in my underwear and stare quizzically into the camera, but it is sorely mistaken. I will do that shii. And here's what it would have entailed:

11:30 A.M. Arrive at the studio breathless and excited, in my cleanest underwear. Greet the photographer with an enthusiastic hug that tells him I trust him.

11:32 A.M. The makeup artist and I both agree on a lot of makeup. We want a realistic match with the amount I normally wear when lounging in my underwear.

12:03 P.M. I request Tori Amos be blasted at full volume. After a few glasses of Scotch and a cry, I'm ready.

12:15 P.M. Sprawling across a futon in an unbuttoned men's dress shirt and no bra is boring. I drunkenly demand that we make it an Old West photo. Production assistants scour the neighborhood for buckskin jackets and feather boas.

1:45 P.M. I have another idea. The camera is mounted on the ceiling, and I lounge in a kiddie pool filled with discontinued candies from the 1980s. A few well-placed Bonkers cover up my business.

2:09 P.M. The Bonkers aren't doing it for me. I want to cover up my snatch with a dodo bird. I'm informed they are extinct.

5:42 P.M. A dodo is cloned after DNA is obtained from the Museum of Natural History. The first dodo to walk the earth in 327 years is delivered to the shoot. Turns out I was mistaking dodos for griffins. I order it drowned.

7:33 P.M. I decide to have my boobs surgically switched. It'll basically look the same but register on a subconscious level.

7:41 P.M. The photographer is crying. Blanchard was never this much trouble.

drunkagain wrote:

[size=100:32s6xabk]Last time I checked, I own the only pair of recurring tits on that show. Maybe Esquire assumed I'm too professional to pose in my underwear and stare quizzically into the camera, but it is sorely mistaken. I will do that shii. And here's what it would have entailed:

11:30 A.M. Arrive at the studio breathless and excited, in my cleanest underwear. Greet the photographer with an enthusiastic hug that tells him I trust him.

11:32 A.M. The makeup artist and I both agree on a lot of makeup. We want a realistic match with the amount I normally wear when lounging in my underwear.

12:03 P.M. I request Tori Amos be blasted at full volume. After a few glasses of Scotch and a cry, I'm ready.

12:15 P.M. Sprawling across a futon in an unbuttoned men's dress shirt and no bra is boring. I drunkenly demand that we make it an Old West photo. Production assistants scour the neighborhood for buckskin jackets and feather boas.

1:45 P.M. I have another idea. The camera is mounted on the ceiling, and I lounge in a kiddie pool filled with discontinued candies from the 1980s. A few well-placed Bonkers cover up my business.

2:09 P.M. The Bonkers aren't doing it for me. I want to cover up my snatch with a dodo bird. I'm informed they are extinct.

5:42 P.M. A dodo is cloned after DNA is obtained from the Museum of Natural History. The first dodo to walk the earth in 327 years is delivered to the shoot. Turns out I was mistaking dodos for griffins. I order it drowned.

7:33 P.M. I decide to have my boobs surgically switched. It'll basically look the same but register on a subconscious level.

7:41 P.M. The photographer is crying. Blanchard was never this much trouble.

Source:

Flight of the Conchords returns tonight, giving us another season of hilarious, awkward, and brilliant musical comedy. And though we all love Bret and Jemaine, perhaps crazy FOTC fan Mel deserves a little love, too.

Those of us who love the show often have a hard time picking a favorite character, though after reading Kristen Schaal's hilarious takedown of Esquire (which the magazine itself printed), my loyalties are now leaning towards crazy super fan Mel. Schaal, was snubbed by Esquire when they decided to run a "
Women of Flight of the Conchords"
photo shoot last October. The article included Rachel Blanchard and Sutton Foster, who played girlfriends of the Conchords in a few episodes, but Schaal, the main female character on the program, was left out completely. After pointing out the snub to Esquire, Schaal decided to write her own detailed description of exactly how her photo shoot would have gone, had the magazine given her the chance.

Esquire, clearly a bit embarrassed about the situation, also ran an article titled: "
Meet Kristen Schaal: The Funniest Woman On Television."
Something tells me she won't be left out of the next photo shoot.